(Prefacing remarks: My dealer writes to thank me
for letting them fix the airbag on my Suby Outback.
Apparently I was driving my car for many years with
a defective airbag that was a potentially lethal weapon.
In the event of deployment
it would have malfunctioned,
perforating a body
with little projectiles of shrapnel.
Good thing my car was “made with love.”)
Total Recall
6 billion recalled for defective wiring.
Official notice:
Global Crisis Sensor and Reactive Systems failure.
Read on:
During any global crisis,
(such as catastrophic climate events
or flagrant acts of terror)
if you were born after 1945,
your body, regardless of model,
will go into sleep-mode,
shut down entirely
or self-destruct.
Cause: Global Crisis Sensor overload and
total back-up systems failure.
90% of models will fail
due to design error.
Retro-repair adjustment and upgrade
will begin ASAP at your licensed dealership.
Date to be announced.
In the meantime,
DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY GLOBAL CRISIS.
BACK OFF AND STOKE BARBECUE
HAVE A FEW DRINKS
TAKE A WALK
WATCH TV
SHOP
TAKE A NAP
ATTEND A WORKSHOP.
REPEAT: DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY GLOBAL CRISIS
DUE TO PREDICTABLE SYSTEMS OVERLOAD.
WATCH FOR FUTURE UPDATES.
—Gary Lindorff