So I’m sitting there ready to chill after a long day at my desk when the phone rings. The young woman at the other end of the line wants to know if I am who her computer says I am. Yeah, that’s me, I say. And she starts asking my opinion of how everything is going in New York state, the governor, the legislature, the city council, various politicians, unions in general, unions in specific, public service unions in even more specificity, the city’s budget problems, and finally New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg.
Ah, Mayor Mike. A man of the people, and the 23rd richest person in the world. On the one hand, I applaud his efforts to discourage smoking. On the other hand, I promised myself that I would never forgive him for not allowing the hundreds of thousands of protesters who marched by the Republican convention in 2004 to have a rally in Central Park. But he’s refused to be a demagogue about the mosque near the World Trade Center. Can you imagine what that fascist hambone Giuliani would have said about the mosque if he was still mayor? So that’s kinda okay. But he’s a tool of Wall Street and the real estate sleazebags. And he appointed some idiot magazine editor to be head of the public schools…
Sir? Sir?
He’s just another rich guy who thinks a hotshot business executive like himself could solve all our problems if he was president, and he’s getting his name mentioned as a presidential candidate by columnists who figure they might have to write for Bloomberg News some day, because everyone else is going out of business.
Sir? Do you strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, or strongly disapprove of New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg?
I would say strongly disapprove, with the proviso that he’s not the worst bag of dirt in American politics.
Bloomberg sits on $18 billion, making him one of the world's richest men
Sir, will you almost certainly vote, probably vote, probably not vote, almost certainly not vote in the 2012 election?
Probably vote. If there’s a candidate.
Have you heard of Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s efforts to transfer control of city pensions in the public service sector from Albany back to New York City?
No, I haven’t heard of his plan.
Well, Mayor Mike Bloomberg has a plan to close the $4 billion city budget gap. His plan is to have the city council take control of the service union pensions from the state legislature. What do you think of Mayor Mike’s plan? Do you strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, or strongly disapprove?
I want to know more about his plan to close the $4 billion city budget gap before I render an opinion.
So does that mean you strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, or strongly disapprove?
Of what?
His plan.
How can I have an opinion about it when I don’t know what it is?
Sir, do you strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, or strongly disapprove?
I’ll say I strongly disapprove, based on suspicion.
Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to close the $4 billion budget by taking control of the pension plan from the state and enacting pension reform.
Didn’t you just ask that?
No, that’s a new statement.
Well, it sounds like a statement I disapproved of with only slightly different wording.
So you somewhat disapprove or strongly disapprove?
Strongly.
The city budget gap should not be closed by cutting pensions because members of the police union and the fire union have dangerous jobs.
What are you talking about?
Do you strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, or strongly disapprove?
What does danger have to do with it?
So does that mean you strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, or strongly disapprove?
Of what?
Of the statement.
What statement?
Please listen carefully, sir. The city budget gap should not be closed by cutting pensions because members of the police union and the fire union have dangerous jobs.
Why is that relevant? The amount of danger they’re in is debatable, and it has nothing to do with whether they deserve their pensions. You think garbage collectors are less deserving because they don’t chase bad guys?
Sir?
If nobody collected the garbage, more people would die than if we didn’t have cops. You ever think about that?
So you strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, or strongly disapprove of this statement: The city budget gap should not be closed by cutting pensions…
Strongly approve, but your premise is flawed again.
Thank you, sir. The state legislature will have to raise taxes on the middle class to close the city budget gap.
What about it?
Do you strongly approve, somewhat approve…
Of raising taxes on the middle class?
Yes.
Strongly disapprove. I want the legislature to take money from the rich and give it to everyone else. Is that an option on your survey?
Thank you. Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to avoid raising taxes on the middle class by having the city council take over the union pension plans from the state legislature. Do you strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, or strongly disapprove?
How many more questions do you have? It’s been 15 minutes.
Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m authorized to say we have just a few more questions.
All right. Shoot.
Do you strongly approve, somewhat approve, somewhat disapprove, or strongly disapprove?
I forgot the statement.
Please listen carefully, sir. Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to avoid raising taxes on the middle class by taking control of the city union pension plans from the state legislature.
How am I supposed to answer that?
Do you strongly approve…
No, I know what my options are. I disagree with the premise again.
Sir?
The Mayor wants to destroy the middle class. That’s what rich people do. It makes them feel good. Who’s paying for this poll, anyway?
Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to avoid raising taxes…
Why should I give a crap?
Sir, do you strongly approve, somewhat approve…
Let me ask you a question.
…somewhat disapprove…
I’m not answering your question until you answer my question.
…or strongly disapprove?
Nope. Not going there. I’ve been answering your questions. Now you answer mine: Do you know how much your friend Mayor Mike is worth?
Sir?
It’s your turn to answer my question. Do you know how much Mayor Mike Bloomberg is worth?
No, I don’t.
I’ve seen different estimates, but it’s probably about $18 billion. You can put on your survey that I strongly disapprove of that.
The statement is this, sir: Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to avoid raising taxes on the middle class by taking control of the city union pension plans from the state legislature.
Didn’t I already answer that?
No, sir.
Strongly disapprove.
Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to shift control of service union pensions to the city council because the city council understands the needs of the people of New York City better than the state legislature. Do you strongly approve…
$18 billion. You know what Mayor Mike could do with that all that money in his wallet?
Sir, I just need to know: Do you strongly approve, somewhat approve…
Mayor Bloomberg could cover the entire budget gap all by himself, and still have $14 billion to live on. How bad could his life be with a mere $14 billion to spend? Would his daughter have to give up even one of her dressage ponies?
If we could just continue, sir.
I mean, what’s the point of having the 23rd richest guy in the world as mayor if he doesn’t help us out?
Please answer the question, sir.
How many more do you have?
Just a few.
You said that ten minutes ago. Count them and tell me.
When you give us certain responses, we’re authorized to ask you more questions.
What?!!? You mean the more I disapprove of Mayor Mike, the more you’re going to read statements calculated to change my mind?
Sir, please just a few more questions.
Nope, not a one. I want you to type this opinion into your computer. Mayor Mike should cover the budget gap with $4 billion of his own money, and then he should take the other $14 billion and give it to people who have no pension at all, and then he should jump off the George Washington Bridge, and then I won’t spit on his grave. How’s that for an opinion?
I just need your answer on this statement, sir. Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to shift control of service union pensions to the…
[With that, I hung up the phone and started to make dinner. After about eight minutes, the phone rang again.]
Sir, she says, I’m the supervisor of the person you just talked to. We just need to ask you a few more questions.
Your questions suck.
I assure you, sir, that we value your opinion highly. We’re a non-partisan, scientific polling organization. If you could just answer a few more questions…
How much is Mayor Mike paying you to waste my time?
I assure you, sir…
Is he paying you for each completed questionnaire? Is that why you’re calling me back?
Sir, we’re just interested in your opinion.
No, you’re not. You’re lying. You know you’re lying. And I know you’re lying. This is not an opinion poll. It’s a push poll. That means you’re not interested in finding out my opinion. It means you’re interested in changing my opinion. It means you’re interested in reading crap to me over the phone until I have a favorable opinion towards Mayor Bloomberg.
Sir, please….
My opinion of Mayor Bloomberg is that he can push his poll up his ass. Good night.