Vote for Judy, Not the Spineless Puke
So in August I went back to Wisconsin, which was glowing green under a brown cloud of mosquitos. Lotta water this past summer, and the most mosquitos since, oh maybe 1965, which is when the Schmoes first played in public at the ninth grade Halloween dance at Van Hise Junior High in Madison. We were called the Misfits then, and have been through a few name changes and personnel adjustments, but it’s basically the same five guys playing the same three chords for 45 years. After performing at our high school reunion party (Class of ’69) every five years over the decades, we figured, “Who knows these three chords better than we do? Isn’t it time we recorded an album?”
And we did. Three Schmoes (Bo Bally Schmoe, Timmy Schmoe and me, Chuck E. Schmoe) came back to Wisconsin, and joined the two Schmoes (Stevie Schmoe and Eddie Schmoe) who were still living there, and we recorded a whole album guided by the same light that has always illuminated our aesthetic path: No Good Songs Have Been Written Since We Went Through Puberty. I mean, why write new songs when Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs already wrote all the good ones?
Except that this time, for the first time ever, we had extenuating circumstances. “Guys,” I said to my fellow Schmoes. “We are in a unique situation where we personally could influence the entire future of education in the United States. Generations of children could grow up to be complete idiots if we do not act in a timely and forthright fashion. We need to write our first original material in 45 years. We need to write a campaign song for Judy Jennings.”
See, Judy Jennings is married to the aforementioned Bo Bally Schmoe, otherwise known as Hal Jennings, who works for IBM in Austin when he isn’t singing for the Schmoes. Judy is running as a Democrat in District 10 for the Texas State Board of Education. She has a Ph.D in education from the University of Texas with a specialty in evaluating schools, but her most important qualification for this job is that she is not insane, which distinguishes her from most of the current SBOE, as it is called. The SBOE has made many crackpot curriculum changes, and they continue to do so. Just a few weeks ago they voted to throw out most of the stuff on Islam, apparently on the theory that children would only be confused by learning the religious beliefs of people whom Satan placed over our oil deposits in the Middle East.
Anyway, last August I wrote, and the Schmoes recorded, the following song:
We want Judy Jennings for the State School Board
She won’t spend a nickel more than we can afford
She will teach our children straight, no ideology
She will train them all for jobs in the 21st century
We want Judy Jennings, yes that is how we feel
She’ll make our children brush and floss after every meal
She wants Thomas Jefferson in our curriculum
Her opponent wants him out, she thinks he was a bum